Top TV Quotes >> Family Guy

Tom Tucker: A bit of breaking news. A local family is forced out of their home by ghosts. Who are they gonna call?
 Diane Simmons (sighs): Ghostbusters, Tom.
 Tom Tucker: No, Diane. Their insurance company. That's just stupid what you said.

Stewie: Now, I'm going to do something I like to call the 'Compliment Sandwhich" Where I say something good, talk about where you need improvement, and then end with something good.
Brian: Whatever you gotta do...
 Stewie (flips notepad): Something good... something good... You look like SNOOPY and it makes me smile... but you have smelly dog farts.

Lawyer: Peter, Sarah has decided to press sexual harrasssment charges against you.
 Peter: Sarah...Is that the one we video taped taking a dump?

Chris: What do you do at a Young Republicans meeting?
 Alyssa: We help those who already have the means to help themselves. Also, we perpetuate the idea that Jesus chose America to destroy non-believers and brown people.
 Chris: I don't know why, but I feel safer already.

Peter: By the way Lois, I got a piercing over there. I'm not going to tell you where but I will give you a hint--it wasn't on my nose or my ear and it was one of my balls.

Stewie: Did you hear that Meg? Guys can marry other guys now. So...this is awkward, but I mean, if they can do that, that is pretty much it for you, isn't it? I mean you as well pack it in. Game over.

Auctioneer: Our first item is a pair of panties confiscated from a prostitute. Quagmire: Fifty bucks. 
Auctioneer: She had nine STDs. 
 Quagmire: Forty-five bucks. 
 Auctioneer: And when we caught her she wet herself. Quagmire: Fifty bucks.

Quagmire: Hey there sweetie, how old are you? 
 Connie: 16. 
 Quagmire: 18? You're first.
Connie: Mom! 
 Quagmire: I like where this is goin'! Giggidy, giggidy, gig-gi-dy!

Quagmire: Hello, 911? It's Quagmire. Yeah, it's caught in the window this time

Quagmire: I felt guilty once, but she woke up halfway through.