Spike Milligan

Contraceptives should be used on
every conceivable occasion.

Spike Milligan

I spent many years laughing at
Harry Secombe's singing until
somebody told me that it wasn't a
joke.

Spike Milligan

A sure cure for seasickness is to
sit under a tree.

Spike Milligan

I have the body of an eighteen year
old. I keep it in the fridge.

Spike Milligan

Just when I had made my today
secure with safe yesterdays I see
tomorrow coming with it's pale
glass star called hope It shatters
on impact And falls like splinters
on cruel rain And I see the red oil
of life running from my wrists onto
tomorrows hea

Spike Milligan

All I ask is a chance to prove that
money can't make me happy

Spike Milligan

All I ask is a chance to prove that
money can't make me happy

Spike Milligan

Money can't buy you happiness but
it does bring you a more pleasant
form of misery.

Spike Milligan

His vibrato sounded like he was
driving a tractor over a ploughed
field with weights tied to his
scrotum.

Spike Milligan

In India a farmhand was caught in
the act with his cow. He said he
had bad eyesight and thought it was
his wife.

Spike Milligan